Recently I lost my mother; she passed from a long battle with cancer.
I often catch myself when I say “I lost my mom”, it just doesn’t sound right, she isn’t missing, she is no longer here and I suffer the horrendous heartache without her by my side.
Losing a parent is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. I feel I can now better relate to my friends who also have lost their parents. My life has forever changed, I go grocery shopping and memories of my mom cooking up Sunday dinner are in my head, as I see all her favorites in the isles at the store.
I try to turn my mind off from my great loss of my mothers passing, but I can’t. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry while watching “The Price Is Right” because it was our favorite show to watch together. How I would do anything to have these times with my mother again. It was the simplest things that I am missing the most.
So many things have changed and taken on new meaning since the passing of mom. I know they say time heals all wounds, this isn’t my first loss, but I by far has been the most significant in my life and for sure the hardest thing I think I have ever gone through.
I find myself crying a lot, and at the most random of times, and the most random things. I can see a mother with her kids in the park and my heart just breaks. I can be watching a show on television and just the appearance of a mom brings me to tears, because I am lacking mine.
I have also notice that since the passing of my mom, my father and I have become so much closer. I appreciate him being there for me because I need his support, especially now. It is comforting because we are both grieving great amounts and we are able to support each other during our time of grief.
I have also learned that people expect you to be “okay” within a week or two. I don’t understand how this is possible. I realize that people forget quickly about the pain I am experiencing in my heart, and seem to expect me to bounce back. I’ve learned to allow myself the space I need from people and give myself time to grieve the passing on my mom. I’ve realize some people are so focused on themselves, and I’ve learned to see who my true friends are.
Many times I have found myself looking through my mom’s phone, or her Facebook, just in search of her words, weather it is a text message or a post on her Facebook profile. I find comfort in her words and I still search for her lifelong advice. Even looking though her recipe books and seeing her handwriting helps fill the void in my loss. It really at times drives me crazy, I sometimes feel I am being obsessive, but at the same time, it brings comfort to my broken heart.
With the passing of my mom, what hit me even harder is seeing the devastation of my own children with the loss of their Grandma. I’ve seen behavior issues appear since her passing, and I know this is just their way of expressing their sadness. When I tuck them in at bedtime and their sweet little voices tell me they miss Grandma, my heart melts and breaks for them at the same time. They talk often about her, I know he too is hurting on the inside, just as all of us are.
Although I know it is wrong of me, I find myself being jealous of my friends who still have their mom in their lives, especially if they are taking her for granted. I just want to tell them they have no idea how lucky they are to still have their mother in their lives. They should never take the time for granted with their mother, in a heartbeat they could be gone, and you will experience my own pain.